Sometimes you have to be okay with being disturbed…. That was the line that ran through my spirit during my nightly meditation and prayer time. A reminder from a recent phone conversation with a friend where I expressed my disappointment at the current state of affairs my life had become. It was as if the phrase was a scratched LP and the needle had gotten stuck, and the phrase “…sometimes you have to be okay with being disturbed..” kept ringing in my head even as I laid down to rest.
As quiet as its kept I become extremely uncomfortable when I don’t know what to do or what direction to take. I tried everything that used to work for me that would settle my spirit, prayer, worship, affirmations, singing, yoga, meditation, eating foods that had no place in my diet, blowing up my prayer partners phone, and yet the relative sense of unease remained.
Not too long ago I lost my job. I was totally unprepared and had previously been filled with hope and expectation about a bright future. You see, I have been trying to get established for what feels like a very long time. I have always felt like being about one’s business is the best form of sex appeal. The new job that I moved all the way out to Washington State to take was in many ways a lifeline for me. I still remember getting the phone call at work and how thrilled my family members and friends were. News in my family travels like the auntie at the family reunion who has had a little too much to drink.
I was tired of the mundane routine that my life had become. I found myself simply going to work, the grocery store and back home again each and every week, and how many times can you take a different route home before you truly have seen all the scenery and endured all the traffic and road rage you can fathom!
I didn’t know it then but that nagging sense of wanting to do something different, that inner kneading to really pursue my passions, dreams and goals; things I should have been more aggressive about pursuing, was about to invite the great disturbance into my life in a very big way. Something that would shake me out of apathy into action, from fear to faith, and from self pity to quiet strength and dignity.
When I lost my job, there were day’s where I didn’t get out of the bed. I didn’t check social media, answer my phone, eat or even go to the gym. I felt utterly hopeless and disturbed! Each night I would search for answers, wondering what might have happened if I had done things differently. How do I pick up the pieces? How do I move forward? What do you do, when you don’t know what to do? As spiritual as I am, I didn’t have an answer. I still really don’t have any answers about what’s next for my life.
This I know for sure, sometimes you have to be okay with being disturbed…. That line echo’s in my spirit even louder now as I prepare to drive back to North Carolina and regroup. We humans fight chaos, disorder and all feelings of unease, sadness, and disappointment as if feeling them and acknowledging them means we are somehow weak, rather than human.
Sometimes you have to be okay with being disturbed, and sometimes in order to change your life you must invite the great disturbance. Those prayers you prayed for things to get better, for doors to open, for favor to find you (church speak), for the right opportunity to come along? You know those day’s where you found yourself daydreaming about what it was you really wanted to do with your life. Those quiet moments where your dreams, goals and aspirations speak to you in the middle of the night from a place of confidence rather than fear and you wake up determined to somehow make them a reality! That vision board sitting in the corner of your room that hasn’t seen anything new added since your stale new year’s resolutions that were broken January 2nd! What you are doing, or rather what your spirit is doing is inviting the great disturbance.
Sometimes you have to be okay with being disturbed…. It just might be the pathway to a wonderful life but you’ll never know until you become okay with being disturbed!